7 Things I Often Tell My Therapy Clients
The beauty of therapy is that it is unique to the client and the therapist. I have met many therapists over the years and I feel that no two are the same and each would offer their clients a unique experience.
I want to give you an idea of the approaches I often take with clients by sharing some statements I find myself saying to during the therapy and coaching process. . . .
The door is always open
I have some clients who come weekly or bi-weekly, and some clients who come as they need it. Some clients come for a few sessions and then let me know they are satisfied with the work. Some clients make therapy a part of their routine and come through the years.
However, many of us will start to feel a sense of distance or embarrassment if we fall out of schedule with our therapist. We might think we have to apologize or give reasons why we haven’t scheduled a session in a while. This might even keep us from returning altogether,
I want clients to feel like they are always welcome to resume therapy whether they have taken three weeks off or three years off. No explanation needed!
2. This isn’t like a social relationship. This is different.
In our first sessions together I often tell clients I want them to be assertive with me. However, this isn’t something we are used to in our culture. We think we need to please people and not bring up things that bother us.
This can mean that we are paying for therapy that isn’t really supporting us and our needs because we feel the need to not offend the therapist by voicing our preferences.
Like most therapists, I want to know a client’s experience and adjust for my client rather than have them feel less satisfied with the process they are investing time and money into.
Therapy is not a social relationship; it is a therapeutic relationship. It is a place to practice being assertive, work on misunderstandings, and voice your needs and concerns without relational retribution
I tell my clients to share with me if I’ve got it wrong or if something didn’t land quite right. When clients can share this with me, I know they are willing to take a risk and that they feel empowered to shape the space between us.
3. You can always change the subject
Therapy can feel overwhelming if you are worried we will open up a topic you aren’t ready for. I always check in with the client and encourage them to tell me if this is a topic they want to discuss.
With every therapist, you can always let them know if you want to move the conversation in a different direction
4. I wonder if I can challenge you here
As I said above, clients should always feel free to change the subject if they don’t wish to continue or open up a topic. But there are still topics where it feels emotionally safe to explore and the client has some resistance to considering a different approach or deepening the topic.
Resistance is a normal part of life and a normal part of therapy. It can show up in many forms—avoiding difficult topics, feeling stuck, intellectualizing emotions, or even questioning the value of the conversation itself.
While it might feel uncomfortable, resistance is often a sign that therapy is touching on something important or challenging.
We instinctually follow our resistance and don’t stop to question it. So it can feel foreign to have a therapist asking you to put it aside for a moment. Resistance is protective but it also can keep us from learning or unburdening a part of ourselves.
Where it feels right, I will ask the client if I can challenge them a bit and if I have their permission to address a topic where I notice some resistance.
5. There is no wrong answer
There are a lot of questions that get asked in a therapy session. All of them have a purpose - to clarify, to understand, to explore, to inquire. However, we live in a culture where questions are asked to evaluate, pass/fail, categorize or judge.
Some clients feel pressure when they are asked questions in therapy. It can make them feel on the spot, panic, feel like they have to perform.
So, it is an adjustment to experience someone asking you questions for a different purpose, the purpose is to inquire about what else is there. Inquiry is a slow and thoughtful exploration. It is removing the judgement and arguments and the intensity and just listening to the different answers we have.
If I sense my client feels any of this pressure or panic I often remind them, ‘there is no wrong answer here’.
6. I want you to be fully yourself here
Clients often tell me they have shared things with me that they have never told anyone else.
This is very common for therapy, especially if you keep in mind that a therapist provides a neutral and objective perspective on your life. Versus your friends, partners, co-workers, and family who all have opinions and biases about what you say/think/feel/do.
Personal relationships are complicated and it can be hard to be honest about our thoughts, feelings, struggles, and desires without feeling judged or worried we will offend.
I find it helpful to remind the client that I am invested in them as a person but they get to be all of themselves here without me judging them, they don’t need to please me or perform for me.
7. This question isn’t for me: Do you have any tools or takeaways you are leaving this session with?
We can go through the motions of a therapy session and not take a moment to take it in and integrate. I often ask a wrap-up question, and this is the most common one. When I ask this, I want my client to know two things here:
One, this question is about their experience and process not about me as a therapist.
Two, I want them to slow down for a moment and consider everything they thought and felt in this session.
I want them to be mindful of what they just learned or experienced so that they make sure to leave with something helpful for them.
