The Roles That Can Keep Us Stuck
I remember watching my kids play one day, when they were much little.
One kid wanted the other to play a certain character.
They were saying something like, ‘I want you to be a horse and I can be a cowboy’.
But the horse did not want to be a horse.
I could see my kid wrestle with this, ‘How will I be a cowboy if you are not a horse? I need you to be the horse SO THAT I can be a cowboy’.
It really struck me how relational we are, even from the youngest years.
“I need you to play that role, so I can play this role”
We all do this, we play roles in all our relationships.
We might be the family peacekeeper
We might be the social planner of the friend group
We might be the calendar keeper in the marriage
We might be the voice of caution in the workplace
Roles can serve us well.
We can bring our unique gifts and passions to the table.
Likewise, we can rely on the talents and skills of our partners to supplement and support. (I think the Enneagram gives us powerful language around our skills and approaches)
We also need to be aware of the relationship cycles our roles can put us into.
Because a peacekeeper is only needed where there is a peace disrupter
A planner is required where there is non-planning
A pursuer is necessary where there is a withdrawer
We also need the room to break out of our roles
Sometimes we keep playing old roles that aren’t helping us anymore. Maybe we don’t want to be the black sheep or the golden child.
Sometimes we are looking to others to stay in their roles too, when they have outgrown them.
Family roles are a topic I discuss with therapy clients.
It can be a good exercise to reflect on the roles you see each person in your family has - and keeping in mind that they might have a very different opinion on what roles each person plays.
The work is to notice.
Notice what role you tend to play in your family, workplace, friend group, etc.
Notice how it feels to be in that role. What do you like about it and what do you not like about it.
Notice how you might attract others who play a complementary role to yours (which allows you to stay in the cycle where you have to play that role)
And remember, that you have strengths in this role, but it doesn’t have to be your whole identity.
